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| 1872 The Resurrection and the Life by Frank Holl |
It is important to remember that people, and therefore
our characters, experience grief differently. For writers, it is always a
challenge to portray emotional events in a believable manner and appropriate
for the personalities of our characters.
Here is a quick review of the stages of grief. Not all
people follow these steps in this order. There is no timeline for grief, or for
any stage in the grieving process. Keeping these basic principles in mind as we
write about those experiencing grief may enhance the believability of our
characters and create a greater emotional impact.
Denial: Some might call it shock. The person has
trouble accepting that a death or loss has taken place. They withdraw
emotionally and sometimes, if they can, physically. Those who internalize
things (introvert) can appear as non-responsive and moving in a daze and will
not appear to grieve openly. An extrovert may wear their emotions on their
sleeve.
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| Korean War: One soldier comforts another after the loss of a close friend. |
In Victorian times, it was believed that a person who
truly grieved the loss of a loved one must weep and wail visibly at the
funeral. Failure to do so indicated to observers they didn’t really care.
However, in true grief, that is not necessarily the case, especially if the
deceased is buried soon after their death.
Here is a true story from my own family history as told
to me by my grandmother. My grandfather died when my mother was only two years
old. His death was sudden and unexpected, which left my young grandmother
dazed. After the funeral, one of my grandmother’s sisters (she had eight of
them) made the snide remark, “Well, Goldie sure must not have loved Will very
much. She didn’t even cry at the funeral.” My grandmother said that somehow
through the fog of all that went on, she heard that remark and remembered it,
even though she didn’t remember much else of what happened that day. Those two
sisters had never been close, and after that judgmental comment, my grandmother
said she never could think well of that sister. Because, her inability to shed
copious tears didn’t mean she didn’t love and miss her husband. Like my
grandmother told me, “I was in shock.”
At the time of my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother had not moved beyond this first stage of grief.
Anger: The next stage is anger. There is a tendency
to seek to blame someone, often the one who departed. “How dare you leave me. Look
at the mess you left me in?”
Sometimes the anger is directed at others—doctors, law
enforcement, family members, institutions. This stage is a sign that the stage
of denial and isolation is starting to diminish,
and the reality with all its pain emerges.
Perhaps my
grandmother’s continued bad feelings towards the unkind words of her sister
were an expression of her moving into this stage of grief.
Bargaining: Sometimes this stage takes the form of
bargaining with God; sometimes making promises within ourselves. This stage
often involves a lot of “What if…” thinking. Our character had no control over
the person dying or leaving them. They want the loved one back. They want to
try again and see if they can do better, prevent the loss. There is often a
tendency for them to make promises intended to prevent the same thing from
happening in the future to others they love. It is an effort to regain control.
The emotions usually experienced at this stage can be summed up in one word:
GUILT.
I recall as my grandmother told me this story of my
grandfather’s death at least fifty years after it happened that she expressed
sentiments of this stage. My
grandfather died of a sudden onset of a lung disorder which was diagnosed as
pneumonia. He worked in a smelter processing metal from ore mined in
the nearby mountains. I realized, especially
after getting an associate degree in hazardous materials technology, the cause of death was the result of an occupational
disease due
to his long-term exposure to hazardous materials. It was not an acute infection. Home remedies probably would not have saved him. However, even fifty years later my grandmother was
still expressing symptoms of this stage of grief: If only he had told her
earlier he was not feeling well, she could have given him a mustard plaster for
his chest to draw out the infection. If only… Reminded of his death,
she slipped back into this bargaining stage of grief.
Depression: At this stage, grief moved into a deeper
level, one of empty feelings and a sense that life has lost all meaning and
there is no sense in going forward. To the grieving character, this stage feels
like it will last forever. They are in a deep sadness and tend to withdraw from
life and relationships. This is not mental illness such as chemical or chronic
depression. It is a stage of grief that will eventually pass, although how
quickly it passes depends on the character.
Acceptance: This isn’t necessarily a stage of great happiness,
but a stage of peace. The person has accepted the loss as part of their new
reality and is willing to move forward. At this stage a character is more
willing to reach out to others, to listen and become involved and to be more empathetic
to the needs of their family and society.
Whether you are writing historical novels involving,
for example, those who die while traveling on a wagon train or during one of
the wars, or you are writing about contemporary issues where people experience
loss, it is important to keep in mind all the stages and grief. To make your
characters believable to your reading audience, people with whom your readers
can empathize, understand the basic stages of grief and tailor it to match your
character’s personality.
Zina
Abbott is the pen name used by Robyn Echols. Her novel, Family
Secrets, was published by Fire Star Press.
Please tweet this
blog post:
Tears or no? WRITING ABOUT GRIEF by @ZinaAbbott
#FireStarPress http://bit.ly/1p4B8Yd
