Writing the Dash

The Dash is a well-known poem by Linda Ellis, which you can read HERE. The poem describes how our lives are encompassed by the dash between the dates of our birth and death on our tombstone. However, well before our tombstone comes into play, the obituary announcing our death becomes a summary of how we lived our dash.

The death of my father on February 16^th brought home to me just how dry most obituaries are; they tend to be more a recitation of facts rather than a joyous celebration of the life represented. In my opinion, there are two primary reasons for this: First, for the individual(s) writing the obituary, the death of their loved one is still fresh and thinking outside the box is next to impossible when mere thinking is a struggle. Second, I think there is an impression that an obituary must be solemn. I beg to differ. A few days before my father’s death, my husband showed me this obituary. I loved it! Now, this sort of tribute wouldn’t work for straight-laced Aunt June, but shouldn’t your loved one’s obituary be a reflection of who they were?

When I sat down with my sister and my niece to write my father’s obituary, my mind went blank. What information did we need to include? Is there a standard obituary template that needs to be completed? My family teased me, wondering why they were having to help me, a published author, with what was basically a writing project. Well, as I mentioned above, it had been less than eight hours since my father’s death and I was still reeling; I could barely complete a coherent thought much less find a way to sum up the life of the man I loved so dearly. However, as we worked, the facts came together and there was even one sentence that summarized Daddy’s life:

“Jimmy loved woodworking, model trains, gardening, dining at the Cracker Barrel and performed as an extra in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes.”

This was a good start, but for me, it wasn’t quite enough. Yes, Daddy really was an extra in Fried Green Tomatoes, but that was just a one-time thing and while he enjoyed the experience, it was not one of the things that defined him. My brain is always working on my stories, refining and tweaking them long before I ever begin putting them down on paper and it did the same with the obituary. When I went to the funeral home the next day to finalize the arrangements for Daddy’s memorial service, I changed that one line to read as follows:

“Jimmy loved woodworking, model trains, African Violets, the Blue Angels, dining at the Cracker Barrel and large strawberry milkshakes with whipped cream and a cherry.”

I love this sentence because it encompasses all of the great loves of my father’s life (outside of his family, of course).

When my brother-in-law died a couple of years ago, we included Pepper, his faithful canine companion among the list of survivors. Allen and Pepper were buddies, it was only right that Pepper be included.

So, I say, if/when you are tasked with writing the obituary for one of your loved ones, let us see who they were. Did your dad complete the crossword puzzle – in INK – every day? Tell us! Did your ninety-three year old grandma routinely kick your ass in Sudoku? Tell us! If you get the honor of writing their dash, let us see how they lived it.

As for me, I want to be remembered as the cool mom and wife who loved video games, fictional characters (find out which ones HERE), writing, and who always kept her family guessing as to what she would do next.

Garrus Vakarian from the Mass Effect video games. Who needs a book boyfriend when you can have a virtual one?

 How do you want to be remembered?


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